I'm 75% complete with my degree program. While I'm just a step away from graduation, I get the urge to quit. For instance, I had a hard time tonight with a programming project. I turned one in that clearly had an error that I couldn't figure out. The other program flat out didn't work so I didn't turn it in. I should probably turn it in for some credit. Some credit is better than no credit. As I'm ready to cry over these projects I wonder if this is really what I want to do. I work my ass off, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm not good at math, and I clearly don't have a talent for programming. My foreign language program was cut at my school, leaving me with a ton of options that really don't please me whatsoever.
The Japanese language is my passion. My school, unfortunately, doesn't offer a program for that. I have to mull my way through a program I don't like just to get my A.A. degree so I can move on to my B.A. somewhere else, doing something I'll like. It's getting monotonous and I'm bored to tears. I'm also very frustrated with myself, wondering why I cannot seem to get through these classes that I once had so much passion for. I don't feel like I've got anything to work for anymore, no goal. When I started all of this, with the encouragement of a dear friend, that was my motivation. He cheered me on and it helped me suffer through this shit so I could look forward to doing something I wanted to.
Now that encouragement isn't there. I miss the talks we used to have, and how they used to motivate me to be a better person. I don't have that motivation there anymore, and it's terrible. I feel lost.
I just really want to stop and reassess what I'm doing, and where I'm going. I'm just so damn depressed and no one in my family seems to understand.
